Words: Wade Davis
Yesterday’s post got a lot of Brazilians cranky. They were all like, “why don’t you write about our rich culture?” and we were all like, “ok”. What better cultural experience is there than getting to know, and we mean really getting to know, the local people?
They’re famous for doing sex in Brazil and they’re not ashamed of it. If you can’t get laid in Rio then you may as well hang up your white-with-blue-and-red-piping athletic socks, because you won’t be walking around wearing just them drinking milk straight from the carton out of a beautiful stranger’s fridge ever again*. Language barriers don’t even provide much of an obstacle for the tenacious pants (wo)man as many a traveller to Portuguese Latin America has boxed well out of their weight division without saying a word.
Your night out in Rio is a continuation of your day at the beach. You’ll have a few drinks in the afternoon and start getting into the hot blooded groove. At dinner your wait staff will be very receptive of your flirtations. The best place to party in Rio is Lapa, though every district in the city is better on a Tuesday than Surfers Paradise is on a New Year’s Eve x Schoolies colab. Here is how it works, based on what we saw and what people told us:
- Go out and dance. Many Brazilian men don’t dance, so just being on the D-floor will give you a decent head start (girls you’ll be dancing anyway because you’re such legends, so go straight to point two).
- Drink enough Capirinhas so that your hips are nice and lubricated, there’s no space for stiff pelvises around here. Have fun, dance around, spread yourself across the dance floor and share the joy.
- Look around a lot. If someone makes eye contact with you and you might, maybe, kinda, want to mash your crotch against theirs then dance over within THE FIRST TEN SECONDS. Do not think, do not hesitate, do not doubt yourself, go in for the kill – you’re a fuck tiger. If you’ve made eye contact and a part of you wants to get to know their insides, get over there.
- Walk over swinging your groin like a pendulum until your thighs touch their thighs. Dance with the body that is attached to the eyes that lured you over. Match hip tempo, follow their lead – they are much better dancers. Press in close so that your intentions are clear, whisper “ola”, and go for the smooch.
- Our Brazilian mates have told us that when you lean in for the kiss be prepared to be rejected twice. If, on the third time, you are still rejected then you move on, but not before. Surfing Life found this hard to do as it seemed a little “full on” for our delicate Anglo Saxon sensibilities.
- The Brazilian pash is gnarly. It’s very tongue heavy and very face lickey. Stand your ground, force your tongue into their mouth too, lick their face, don’t be shy, no one who matters is watching.
- Once you’ve achieved lip-on-lip sex then getting sex for the rest of your body is up to you. You’ll probably be paying a fortune to stay in a hostel, (Rio’s one expensive city), and many Cariocas still live with ma and pa (Rio’s one expensive city). But, unlike in Oz where you’d be forced on the beach to fill your eight orifices (seven for fellas) with coarse Torquay sand, in Brazil they have ‘Love Motels’ which you can rent by the hour and are a hit with absolutely everyone. They are clean, extremely discreet (the staff won’t even see your face) and they’ll even bring food and drinks to your room.
Remember, play it safe when getting down to groin play in Brazil and buckle-up in the cab on the way home. Forget all your dumb pick-up lines, do not try and learn them in Portuguese because even if they do work you’ll have nothing to back it up with. Just be confident, the rest will just happen in a sequence that increases exponentially in sweat, eroticism, nudity and gross stuff.
Have a nice holiday!
*Surfing Life didn’t get anything in Brazil, but Surfing Life is an awkward kook when it comes to all matters carnal.