Don’t Surf With Your Girlfriend (This is Coming From Her)

Words: Lauren Szasz

Lauren and her girlfriends thought surfing looked good in the movies ... but they discovered there's more to it than just posing on the beach with a board. For a start, sunglasses fall off in the waves. Photo: Nick Ovanessoff

I don’t understand why a surfer would want to bring his aquatically challenged girlfriend into the water. I mean, would you take your mum to a strip club? It just doesn’t sit right, does it?

I met my boyfriend in the lineup, and because of that he has never been able to let go of the dream that he is dating a surfer chick. The reality is that my friend and I had recently seen Blue Crush (one of Taylor Steele’s lesser known accomplishments) and we figured we’d give it a go. We threw on our bikinis, rented some oversized epoxy boards, and headed west. It was, of course, an absolute disaster. We may as well have been paddling Teahupoo on piece of driftwood - we had no business being out there. Each wave completely molested us, robbing us of our swimsuit bottoms, and our boards became unrelenting weapons of mass chick-destruction. How we survived is still a mystery. But my guy conveniently forgets that aspect and constantly insists that I try to learn.

Sorry - we were wrong - sunglasses will stay on! But even if you have all the money in the world and a Bra Boy is teaching you to surf you still might have a wardrobe malfunction for the hovering papparazzi. Thanks for this valuable lesson, Paris. Photo: Snappermedia.

In spite of countless injuries and humiliating experiences in the water, I keep trying. I think it’s the guilt that keeps me coming back. The poor bastard thought he hit the jackpot when we met and I don’t have the heart to break it to him … I suck at surfing and I’m not sure there’s much we can do about it. I’ve gone skydiving, waterskiing, camping, backpacking, and countless other lesbian-approved activities over the years. There doesn’t seem to be any substitution - he wants me to learn how to surf.  He’s an endless optimist. Either that or he’s in severe denial.

Every time I head out with him, he says, “You’re so close! You’re totally going to get there today.” And then I don’t. Much more than my body ending up bruised, my ego takes a major hit as well.  

As much as I love the idea of spending time together in the water, pressuring your girlfriend out into the surf is a terrible idea. First of all, we can’t keep our cool. We’re scared of sharks and every encounter with seaweed feels like a brush with death. It takes me at least 45 minutes to get out of a wetsuit, and I always feel like I’m in the way of the real surfers. I end each session traumatized (usually from all the seaweed) and injured.  

Maybe Lauren should have checked out Esquire before she got suited up for a surf?

I’m just suggesting that, if, after a few years, your girlfriend seems to posses the learning curve of a twelve-year-old Golden Retriever, maybe try some new, dry hobbies together.

You never know, maybe she’d be open to going to the strip club with you.

What do you think? Have you had equally bad experiences teaching your other half to surf? Or maybe you've succeeded where so many have tried and failed?

And if you'd like to read more of Lauren's views on the world of surfing you can find out what it's actually like dating a surfer and why you'll never win in a threesome with the ocean.